My Journey from darkness into light.
HSP14286 • 1 August 2019
This is not about sport but I wanted to share.
With so much media coverage, aimed at men in particular, trying to encourage people to open up and talk about #mentalhealth I would like to add my voice. You do not have to suffer in silence nor alone. There is help, and #anxiety or #depression does not have to be a life sentence.
I was once asked by a potential client if I had ever suffered from depression. When I said no he was almost disappointed and dubious about my ability as a hypnotherapist and my ability to help. “How can you know what I am going through if you have never experienced it yourself?” I simply explained that I had never smoked, had a baby, or struggled with weight loss yet on a daily basis I was helping clients with these issues and many more I had not experienced. Think about it, a doctor doesn’t need to have an illness to be able to prescribe a cure.
It turns out, I lied. I have suffered from depression, possibly for years without ever knowing it. That is the thing about depression, it creeps up on you without you realising it has taken over you. Like many others I did not see it as depression and it just became the backdrop against which I lived my life.
I am sure many friends and family will be shocked at me making such a statement. How could Aidan Sloan have suffered depression; happy family upbringing, loving parents, comfortable lifestyle growing up with plenty of holidays in the sun, intelligent, talented athlete and rugby player, multiple all Ireland medal winner in my teens, talented on stage. Then in my 20’s I accidentally fell into a business partnership that did extremely well. I had the dream house and the lifestyle. I celebrated my 30th birthday by flying into Monaco by helicopter! The next day I was taken to a race track where I spent the day training to drive a Formula 1 car. I had plenty of disposable income and was happy to spend it, very often being the life of the party.
I had the house, the car and the lifestyle. How could someone in that position ever be depressed? Well let’s take a look.
I was bullied all through primary school. I was clever and eager to please the teachers. I wasn’t a teacher’s pet. On the contrary one teacher disliked me just as much as most of my classmates and if anything this teacher encouraged the bullying. It is no coincidence that I suffered extreme tummy aches as a child. The doctors could never find a cause and one doctor told my parents I was just making them up.
A different teacher who was aware of what was happening told my parents to give me a fresh start and send me to a different secondary school, not the local one. I was able to reinvent myself. As my sporting prowess grew so did my confidence. I certainly did not stand out as the “brainy geek” in the class anymore, if anything I felt I was not intelligent enough to be there and I did not belong. I was also terrified my past would somehow catch up on me. Coming home from school I hated the walk from my local bus stop to the hall door in case I would meet one of my old primary school tormentors. If I wasn’t playing sport I hid in my bedroom.
In 5th year of secondary I auditioned for and played the lead in the school show. I was getting phone calls and letters from complete strangers congratulating me on my performance. On the second last night of the show I couldn’t take it anymore and had a complete melt down. Looking back now my training as a therapist helps me to understand what had happened. Until that moment my only other experience of being in the spotlight was the years of being bullied in primary school and that was the only frame of reference my brain had. So it triggered the only reaction it knew; to hate it, fear it and want to run away. I hid in the safest place I knew, my bedroom and cried for hours.
By now sport had helped me connect with a few friends in my neighbourhood and my confidence as a person began to grow. That was until a conversation with the school principal at the start of my final year in school. It devastated me. I cannot disclose the details of the conversation but all the personal growth I had made came crashing down in an instant. I hated the school and I hated myself for thinking I was anything other than the kid that everybody hated in primary school. Now I didn’t know who was the real me and what was a facade. I just wanted to opt out, so I did. From being one of the stars of the rugby team I developed phantom knee pains so I couldn’t play. I was diagnosed with M.E. a physically debilitating illness. I wanted nothing to do with the school and I detested every day until I graduated.
All my insecurities that had come back to me stayed with me into college. I could not settle nor make new friends. I always had this feeling I did not belong. Today we have a name for that, I was experiencing Imposter Syndrome.
I was brought up to believe that if you work hard you will get your reward. When I went into the workplace I worked really hard. When I was overlooked for a promotion it only reinforced my feelings of inadequacy. I began to get migraine headaches that would last 3 to 4 days.
At this point I was lost, confused and saw no future. I turned to the one thing I knew I was good at, sport. I believed success could raise my personal profile and give me an identity. Having represented Ireland as a schoolboy athlete I began to tell myself I could become part of a rugby team, rise through the ranks at club level and that would give me some direction. In truth I did not know what I was looking for. Anyway, before I ever got to play a match at senior level an injury during training fractured a vertebra and ended my rugby career before it even started. I should be in a wheel chair.
Throughout my twenties going to watch a match was like a dagger through the heart but I went along because it was a good night out afterwards. I eventually stopped going as I could not watch a match without thinking “I should be out there”. The one thing I could rely on had been taken away from me.
All this time I was putting on a brave face or worse still, my party face, to hide my biggest fear, that someone would see past the facade and into my darkness.
As mentioned earlier I fell into a business that began to grow. As the business grew I began to find my identity. Unfortunately it was my party face. There was always a client to be entertained or someone going for after work drinks and I was drinking to excess. Yet all the time I was still living in fear of being “found out”;this is not me, I did not deserve this and fighting all the other demons in my head and in particular “what if I wake up one day and all this is gone”?
And then it happened.
It all disappeared; my marriage, my business, my house, my lifestyle. As the economy was crumbling around me I blinked and missed what was happening.
That is when something amazing happened. When the dust settled I discovered the world had not ended. Rather than judging me people were concerned for my well-being. I had been irresponsible, thoughtless in some cases, I had certainly hurt people. And then I realised I felt bad for others. The crazy irony was at that point of hitting rock bottom is when I had an epiphany; all those years of worrying how others saw me were wasted. The bullying had conditioned me to be terrified of what people thought of me and some experiences in life had only reinforced my own insecurities.
Then the break through that completely lifted the darkness that had been living inside me, “it is ok to make a mistake”.
Of course that was only the beginning of my journey of growth that it isn’t the house, the car, the career, the riches, the holidays, the lifestyle etc. that defines a person. Of course at one level I knew all that but I had spent my whole life comparing myself to others whether intellect, success or career and I invariably put myself second best.
I am now defined by my values, beliefs and how I treat other people and I see myself as equal to everyone else.
Depression is a very individual thing. It took me a long time to recognise my own. After all I was getting on with life or so I thought. My depression was rooted in low self esteem. Whatever your trigger is the first thing I urge people is be honest with yourself and acknowledge if something is wrong. In my own case the physical illnesses were a sign of the emotional problems. Pay attention to both your mind and your body. That is when the healing can begin.
.
I was once asked by a potential client if I had ever suffered from depression. When I said no he was almost disappointed and dubious about my ability as a hypnotherapist and my ability to help. “How can you know what I am going through if you have never experienced it yourself?” I simply explained that I had never smoked, had a baby, or struggled with weight loss yet on a daily basis I was helping clients with these issues and many more I had not experienced. Think about it, a doctor doesn’t need to have an illness to be able to prescribe a cure.
It turns out, I lied. I have suffered from depression, possibly for years without ever knowing it. That is the thing about depression, it creeps up on you without you realising it has taken over you. Like many others I did not see it as depression and it just became the backdrop against which I lived my life.
I am sure many friends and family will be shocked at me making such a statement. How could Aidan Sloan have suffered depression; happy family upbringing, loving parents, comfortable lifestyle growing up with plenty of holidays in the sun, intelligent, talented athlete and rugby player, multiple all Ireland medal winner in my teens, talented on stage. Then in my 20’s I accidentally fell into a business partnership that did extremely well. I had the dream house and the lifestyle. I celebrated my 30th birthday by flying into Monaco by helicopter! The next day I was taken to a race track where I spent the day training to drive a Formula 1 car. I had plenty of disposable income and was happy to spend it, very often being the life of the party.
I had the house, the car and the lifestyle. How could someone in that position ever be depressed? Well let’s take a look.
I was bullied all through primary school. I was clever and eager to please the teachers. I wasn’t a teacher’s pet. On the contrary one teacher disliked me just as much as most of my classmates and if anything this teacher encouraged the bullying. It is no coincidence that I suffered extreme tummy aches as a child. The doctors could never find a cause and one doctor told my parents I was just making them up.
A different teacher who was aware of what was happening told my parents to give me a fresh start and send me to a different secondary school, not the local one. I was able to reinvent myself. As my sporting prowess grew so did my confidence. I certainly did not stand out as the “brainy geek” in the class anymore, if anything I felt I was not intelligent enough to be there and I did not belong. I was also terrified my past would somehow catch up on me. Coming home from school I hated the walk from my local bus stop to the hall door in case I would meet one of my old primary school tormentors. If I wasn’t playing sport I hid in my bedroom.
In 5th year of secondary I auditioned for and played the lead in the school show. I was getting phone calls and letters from complete strangers congratulating me on my performance. On the second last night of the show I couldn’t take it anymore and had a complete melt down. Looking back now my training as a therapist helps me to understand what had happened. Until that moment my only other experience of being in the spotlight was the years of being bullied in primary school and that was the only frame of reference my brain had. So it triggered the only reaction it knew; to hate it, fear it and want to run away. I hid in the safest place I knew, my bedroom and cried for hours.
By now sport had helped me connect with a few friends in my neighbourhood and my confidence as a person began to grow. That was until a conversation with the school principal at the start of my final year in school. It devastated me. I cannot disclose the details of the conversation but all the personal growth I had made came crashing down in an instant. I hated the school and I hated myself for thinking I was anything other than the kid that everybody hated in primary school. Now I didn’t know who was the real me and what was a facade. I just wanted to opt out, so I did. From being one of the stars of the rugby team I developed phantom knee pains so I couldn’t play. I was diagnosed with M.E. a physically debilitating illness. I wanted nothing to do with the school and I detested every day until I graduated.
All my insecurities that had come back to me stayed with me into college. I could not settle nor make new friends. I always had this feeling I did not belong. Today we have a name for that, I was experiencing Imposter Syndrome.
I was brought up to believe that if you work hard you will get your reward. When I went into the workplace I worked really hard. When I was overlooked for a promotion it only reinforced my feelings of inadequacy. I began to get migraine headaches that would last 3 to 4 days.
At this point I was lost, confused and saw no future. I turned to the one thing I knew I was good at, sport. I believed success could raise my personal profile and give me an identity. Having represented Ireland as a schoolboy athlete I began to tell myself I could become part of a rugby team, rise through the ranks at club level and that would give me some direction. In truth I did not know what I was looking for. Anyway, before I ever got to play a match at senior level an injury during training fractured a vertebra and ended my rugby career before it even started. I should be in a wheel chair.
Throughout my twenties going to watch a match was like a dagger through the heart but I went along because it was a good night out afterwards. I eventually stopped going as I could not watch a match without thinking “I should be out there”. The one thing I could rely on had been taken away from me.
All this time I was putting on a brave face or worse still, my party face, to hide my biggest fear, that someone would see past the facade and into my darkness.
As mentioned earlier I fell into a business that began to grow. As the business grew I began to find my identity. Unfortunately it was my party face. There was always a client to be entertained or someone going for after work drinks and I was drinking to excess. Yet all the time I was still living in fear of being “found out”;this is not me, I did not deserve this and fighting all the other demons in my head and in particular “what if I wake up one day and all this is gone”?
And then it happened.
It all disappeared; my marriage, my business, my house, my lifestyle. As the economy was crumbling around me I blinked and missed what was happening.
That is when something amazing happened. When the dust settled I discovered the world had not ended. Rather than judging me people were concerned for my well-being. I had been irresponsible, thoughtless in some cases, I had certainly hurt people. And then I realised I felt bad for others. The crazy irony was at that point of hitting rock bottom is when I had an epiphany; all those years of worrying how others saw me were wasted. The bullying had conditioned me to be terrified of what people thought of me and some experiences in life had only reinforced my own insecurities.
Then the break through that completely lifted the darkness that had been living inside me, “it is ok to make a mistake”.
Of course that was only the beginning of my journey of growth that it isn’t the house, the car, the career, the riches, the holidays, the lifestyle etc. that defines a person. Of course at one level I knew all that but I had spent my whole life comparing myself to others whether intellect, success or career and I invariably put myself second best.
I am now defined by my values, beliefs and how I treat other people and I see myself as equal to everyone else.
Depression is a very individual thing. It took me a long time to recognise my own. After all I was getting on with life or so I thought. My depression was rooted in low self esteem. Whatever your trigger is the first thing I urge people is be honest with yourself and acknowledge if something is wrong. In my own case the physical illnesses were a sign of the emotional problems. Pay attention to both your mind and your body. That is when the healing can begin.
.
It isn't a video about sport but in these troubled times stress is getting on top of many people. Some thoughts and advice on reducing stress levels
What is your body language and energy communicating to your team mates or opponents?
Learning what makes a bully gives an insight to how damaged they really are
https://youtu.be/gcj-70p7DZU How I accidentally learned to hypnotise myself during competition and the amazing result.
There has been a lot happening in the world of #sport lately; World Athletics Championships, Rugby World Cup, European Football Championship qualifiers, World Boxing Championships and The World Gymnastics Championships among them. Anyone who knows me knows how much I enjoy sport of all kinds. So much so that I can look beyond the empty stadiums during the Athletics or drugs cheats returning from bans to win gold medals. I can look beyond the rules of rugby that pretty much allow players to choose a country to represent by being resident there for 3 years and I can still enjoy the sporting spectacle. I could have chosen to focus on Irish success or failure at different World and European events, red cards, yellow cards, team selections etc. Instead I find this week every time I think of sport my mind is drawn to the most awful scenes at a sporting event that I hope never to see again. Sadly I probably will. Instead of sport making the headlines we witnessed the most horrible and insulting racist behaviour that the England football team had to endure in Bulgaria. Clearly it was planned and orchestrated and the individuals involved had no interest in football. The troubling thing for me is the Bulgarian manager saying he heard nothing and the media wanting to know what all the fuss was about. Let’s watch this space and wait to see what sanctions #FIFA imposes. The shocking scenes got me thinking about the mindset of the individuals who think monkey chants and Nazi salutes have a place in a sporting arena. Then I remembered John.(Not his real name) I met John on holidays on The Costa del Sol about 15 years ago. It is an understatement to say John stood out. While everyone else wore shorts and flip flops John wore a Fred Perry T-shirt, 20 hole Doc. Martin boots, skin tight jeans and had his head shaved. He stood about 6’5” and was built like a body builder. John dressed to let everyone know what his political/social outlook was and almost dared anyone to challenge him. I was sitting in a beach bar enjoying a cold drink after a day in the sun chatting to the owner when John walked in. To my horror he shook the owners hand and sat at the bar beside me then the owner pointed at us and said “this is Debra and Aidan from Dublin”. John shook our hands and very politely greeted us. I remember thinking “don’t judge a book by its cover”. When John’s drink arrived he raised his glass and wished us an enjoyable holiday and started a friendly chat as if we were old friends. He was well spoken, eloquent and intelligent. Then he dropped a bomb! He smiled at me, raised himself tall on the bar stool puffed out his chest and said “Dublin, I was in Dublin once, just once, February 1995. I am banned from getting into the country now”. During the rest of my holiday I got to know John quite well and he spoke openly about his #skinhead lifestyle and beliefs. The frightening thing is he was able to put together a very reasoned argument to justify his choices. He explained that some people go running or to the gym but “fighting with other like minded skinheads is my thing. I don’t get involved any more the young guys don’t obey the unwritten rules. We had a rule, no weapons and when a guy hits the ground it is fight over. Now they bring knives and keep kicking even when a guy has been knocked out. We knew we couldn’t get near each other at football matches so we arranged a venue near where the police escort away from the stadium would finish. The locals would pick an ideal venue let us know where they would be waiting for us after the match. It was always pre-planned and no innocents were ever caught up. Everyone involved wanted to be there and knew the risks. Lots of the guys weren’t interested in football but they came along for the scrap”. In John’s mind what they were doing was no different to being in a boxing club. They even looked forward to the best “away fixtures” when the football league schedule came out. The Lansdowne Road Riot. John had risen through the ranks and had become high commander of #Combat 18. He spoke with pride about the 3 finger salute follow members would give him. His legacy was the #Lansdowneroadriot. “We were invited over to meet a gang of Dublin skinheads. We travelled over to Ireland through Belfast, they warned us the police would be keeping an eye on the ferries to Dublin and the airports. They bussed us down from Belfast in coaches with the blacked out windows. The signal was when the first goal was scored we were to kick off wrecking the place and they would rush into our section and we could go at it. “My phone bill that month was £1200 because international calls”. “The thing is they never turned up to the stadium. Maybe they weren’t let in I don’t know. Maybe they were know by the Irish police and stopped at the police barriers. I think the Irish police were working with English police because they were on the lookout for me and I wasn’t let into the ground”. “We were only there because Dublin skinheads invited us”. Casually, in passing, he told me the name of the group the invitation came from. He had very little knowledge of Ireland and its political history. To his horror I explained to John that he had been invited by paramilitary organisation. They were not a gang of Dublin skinheads. He had been contacted by someone suggesting a riot during the international friendly and in the days before Google didn’t look into it any deeper. He was used to being contacted by strangers to arrange fights and took the invite at face value. He did think it was odd to do it in the stadium and during the match but going “old school” was exciting. As we spoke it became clear to him that there was never going to be a fight and Combat 18 had been set up to cause the match to be abandoned. Innocents had been caught up. And just like last Monday sport had been hi-jacked by someone with another agenda.
I was going to write a piece titled “You, your Neural Pathways and competition. I decided no one would read it and I would have to begin with a very technical explanation of #Neuroplasticity. Simply put, what your mind becomes conditioned to do in training is what it repeats in competition. This means both physical and emotional conditioning. Example – I recently worked with an #MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter. He had a problem with focus at the start of a fight and was a slow starter. In his own words he said ‘I can’t understand why it takes a few smacks in the head to make we wake up and realise I am in a fight’. After only a few sessions he said to me ‘That’s what I do in training. When I am sparring I always wait and let my opponent set the pace and tone of how hard we are going at each other.’ It was a revelation to him but once he realised it he made the decision to completely change his approach to training. Conditioning to fail! Far be it for me to criticise anyone who gives up their time to get involved with coaching, especially in amateur #sport. But I find it so disappointing when I can see when coaches are actually damaging the 1000’s of hours of hard work a competitor puts in. As a therapist I will never interfere with the coaching regime or relationship between coach and #athlete. It is my job to condition the mind for competition but I find it surprising how often the training schedule put in place by a coach is conditioning a competitor to fail. The problem in many cases is the coach is in a position of authority; they have experience, expertise and will never be questioned. The athlete who trusts their coach will put their faith in the coach and follow the plan put in place. Is this always the right thing to do? A gentleman came to see me a number of years ago. He was a #marathon runner who had decided to take up #triathlon and set himself a challenge of completing a full Ironman distance in 11 & ½ hours. The plan was to complete the swim and cycle in 7 & ½ leaving 4 hours to complete the marathon; a reasonable goal considering his marathon pace. He dedicated a year of his life #training every day, working towards his goal. I encourage all my clients to make mental training part of their routine for every session they do. This way the brain has established patterns that can be instinctively triggered in competition. To do this I need to be familiar with their training routine and when I asked him about the training plan in place to say I raised an eye brow is an understatement! However my client did not come to me to interfere with his physical training. He was paying a professional to coach him and trusted the plan. The plan was to build up the miles using frequency. He trained every day and never overdid any one session so that he couldn’t train the next day. The trouble as I saw it was none of his training sessions went beyond 7 hours. He may have been doing 3, 4 or 5 hours during every day during the week and 7 at the weekend but his mind and body never had to go beyond 7 hours. He told me after the event, ‘I got off the bike right on schedule. I had over 4 hours to complete my marathon. Then my body just shut down, I had nothing. It took me every mental exercise you taught me just to get me through the marathon and over the finish line.’ It was no surprise to me as he had spent a year training his mind and body to switch off after about 7 hours. Beyond that was unknown territory. Why limit potential? I observed a few training sessions where a group of athletes were preparing for regional and hopefully national competition. The coach started every session by asking the group ‘any niggles or injuries’? As a therapist I know that if you look for a problem you will find one. Having warmed up without any problems invariably one of the group would come forward with an injury that meant sitting out training. I have yet to meet a sports person who hasn’t trained and competed with niggles or slight injuries throughout their career. In his obsession to try to avoid injury this coach refused to allow a group of long and triple jumpers take 6 jumps in training, even off a 3 or 5 stride run up. I simply fail to see how this is the right preparation for a 6 jump competition. I was also confused as to why none of the athletes had their run up measured and marked on the runway. Instead the training session was delayed as each person, in turn, had to ask a spotter to mark his 3rd or 5th step as they stride away from the take off board and mark the point to start their run up. I quietly asked the coach why they had not prepared these marks before training started. He said he liked it this way as they were working as a team and learning from each other. But all I saw was they were learning inconsistency. At least 50% of the time the spotter got it wrong and they fouled the jump. The last thing a long jumper needs in competition is having the distraction of doubt in their mind about their run up. What you train for is what you take into competition. I was heartened to hear an interview recently when an inter-county #GAA footballer described a training camp held the week before the #AllIrelandFinal. The forward thinking coach left nothing to chance. He wanted to prepare his team for an event none of the panel had ever experienced before. On the Sunday before the final he arranged a practice match that started at the exact time the final would start the following Sunday. Before the match began he made the teams line up and walk around the pitch for the traditional pre-match parade and then had them line up and go through the formality of being introduced to and shaking hands with the president(obviously not the real president of Ireland!) The following Sunday, against all the odds, they won! As well as training the body, train the mind, as you intend to compete. Good luck in #sport.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRCwWOcfXXI&t=5s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9vC6vfKIhE&t=21s Power of the mind Training the mind is a powerful way to improve competitive performance #hypnosis #believe #sport
A few days ago I swam a mile. Nothing special I know, to a competitive swimmer that is probably a warm down at the end of a session. It is 64 lengths of a 25 meter pool. So why does it matter so much to me? 2 months ago I joined @sportsco a local leisure centre. It wasn’t even my idea. @DebraSloan decided to join and I just went along with her. I didn’t need a gym, I walk 20 – 25 miles per week. How unfit could I be? Wow! Think again! The first day I got into the swimming pool I had a serious wake up call. I had not been in a pool for over 30 years. Sure I splashed about a bit on holidays but I had not used swimming as exercise in a long time. I managed 14 lengths of the pool and felt as if I was going to pass out. I could not believe how quickly I had reached my lactate threshold. It is frightening how unfit I had become. Sure all the walking I do had kept my weight under control but my core strength and upper body had been completely neglected. The next 2 days were agony as my shoulders, back, ribs and legs completely stiffened with cramp. I was shocked by how weak all these muscle groups had become after years of neglect. A few days later I returned to see if I could improve on the 14 lengths I had done on day 1. I did 18 but oh boy did I know all about it the next day. The pain and cramp was back with a vengeance. Normally I would suggest caution in using #hypnosis to mask pain. After all pain is one way the body lets us know there is a problem. However, in my case I knew exactly what was causing the pain and I knew that as I got fitter the muscles would adapt and no longer experience pain after exercise. So using self hypnosis I devised a strategy to eliminate the pain and at the same time a technique to help the muscles get stronger more rapidly. Almost immediately I experienced the impact of the mental training I was doing. My next swim was 40 lengths, then 50, then 60. My recovery time was getting shorter and shorter and the muscle cramps gone. So last week when someone pointed out that a mile was 64 lengths I just had to do it. That’s why it matters to me.